Blochairn Star A.F.C are creating a collection of profiles for all their players. Please come back soon for more profiles and photographs.

Last Update: 24/05/2005 16:21

The profiles contained on this page have been written by members of Blochairn Star AFC. The views and comments contained within them do not necessarily represent the views of Access North Glasgow Community Portal.

Name: James McGrotty
Age: 28

Nicknames: Jammo, Jamolio, Justice, Bull boy

Height: 5ft11"

Occupation: Dealer of beach justice

Town of birth: Garngad

Attributes: The ability to build and demolish robotic opponents in his spare time, this skill is currently being studied by NASA and the underground bare knuckle boxing association respectively.

History: With a build that should be in a Chuck Norris movie, anything Jamo hits he destroys. Like his brother before him Jammo takes great pleasure in the art of Destruction. Tainted by skin that resembles a four piece leather sofa and hair that leaves forensic scientists bewildered, Jamo got used to the insults and primary school chant's ' Who's the leather briefcase in disguise (repeat)'. Dumbfounded by those callous remarks and an incident that involved a bowling ball and a lot of shampoo, Jamo had to fend for himself, living off the land, James junior became the ringleader of an underground Skateboard gang named DFS, many auditors and cohorts believe this phrase belongs to his uncanny ability to cheat at snooker, but experts in Jamology know for a fact it's the retail outlet that he chose his skin.

Philosophy: Where in the world? PC world

Name: Steven Smith
Age: 48

Nicknames: The fist, the man in the iron mask, the piper at the gates of dawn, and the outback paraletic.

Height: 5ft11"

Occupation: Body double for Stefan Dennis (Paul Robinson from neighbours)

Town of birth: Garngad?

Attributes: Paper thin, young Steven got used to the name Fullskap, this name stuck like ink, Steven can Hop, Skip and jump like a Barrymore partygoer and is known to clench his fist to opponents (or his past)

History: Born under soviet rule in downtown Moscow ... He spent his early years playing bit parts in soaps such as Baby face, T-Rex from outer space and the haunting drama Windmill. Globally known as 'the buttermilk boy'. Young Steven had to bite the bullet (literally) and play another harrowing bit part in the 1979 UK release SCUM, playing 'Jeff 109667' the greenhouse attendant, but he soon hobbled his way back into modern day life hosting the midweek horticultural show 'Mind those plants'. Steven is now writing songs for animated features such as 'turn him over' and the critically acclaimed 'dungarees at dawn'

Philosophy: Sand is where it's at mate; sand is where it's at.


Name Adam Black
Age 21

Nicknames El' Gringo, Nümero Siete, Chong

Height 5' 3''

Occupation Smoker

Attributes A proper goal scorer with a petulant touch, he does not tend to mingle too well with the refereeing species.

History Raised in the Spanish Town of Porta Glesga Adam was kidnapped in the early 80's and brought to Scotland by a Grade 1 Official by the name of Brian Mc Geachy who adopted him and raised him as his own. Adam grew to love Mc Geachy but his hatred for referees was too deep and now when he sees that black uniform it is like a red rag to a bull. He often displays the histrionics and attributes associated with his countrymen and can be found throwing his arms in the air and cursing vehemently. A recent breakthrough from Jamaican medics seems to have calmed Adams affliction. Now underneath his sombrero and just below his pencil moustache you will find that he is never without his peppermint cigarettes to keep him calm.

Philosophy Greet like a woman and score like a man


Name Joe Mc Menemy
Age Timeless

Nicknames Diamond Geezer

Height A giant in his own world

Occupation Plumber's Assistant

Attributes A great leg peg but the ability to wind up the entire planet while he is blissfully ignorant in his cocooned little space.

History Born in a back street Ghetto, and living on coco beans, milk, sugar and vegetable fat, young Joseph did not inherit his fist proper pair of shoes until his late Uncle Harry passed on leaving a pair of size eights. Although the young street scamp was barely a size five he wore those moccasins with pride ….they were Jimmy Choos after all. From those humble beginning the Diamond grew to become a legend in his own underpants (lets face it there is enough room in there) and his crowning glory was his Armani wallpaper and his versace wardrobe. Not seen for a while it is understood that Joseph's staple diet as a kid was a factor in his recent demise…yes he thought he was chocolate and eat himself. What a plum.

Philosophy "I don't mark them, they mark the Diamond."


Name: Steven Mullan
Age: 24

Nicknames: Mole, Molio, The Mole, De Mole, Molitious, Mothman, The Waterboy.

Height: 5ft11”

Occupation: Unemployed footballer

Town of birth: Lebanon or Jericho

Attributes: Can run the length of a football field in under 7seconds with 28 litres of spring water and a medical supply strapped to his back. Played for Northampton Town

History: Few know the exact origins of Steven Mullan, but he was apparently the spawn of a Lebanese matador and a Baggage handler from the ancient city of Jericho. He was sent to Britain in 1984 as part exchange for a bag of coal during the now infamous Miners strike. After 15 years of bad advice and gross mismanagement he managed to drink his way onto the Blochairn Stars subs bench. After 3 years of petulance and down right ignorance he was sent to live in exile to an un-confirmed country. He holds the record as being the Blochairn Stars first foreign player.

Philosophy: Jump before you are pushed


Name: Andy Cameron
Age: 46

Height: 7ft 3”

Occupation: Male Model

Town of birth: Bombay

Attributes: This uncompromising talent has the unnerving ability to know opposing players thoughts using the eastern system of transcendental meditation. Founder of the Underpants Appreciation Society

History: Born in India and raised in Glasgow, Andy Cameron soon became known around the playground as Eastern Andy, he soon changed this ill-fitting nickname to something more appropriate – Skid. With limited vision, Andy embarked on his first real odyssey – Butlins. Andy took a job as a Redcoat and thought he could one day be as famous as other Butlins Stalwarts such as Cannon and Ball, Chaz and Dave and the indispensable Chuckle Brothers, but short on money and comedy talent he soon found himself on the bus back to Glasgow where he would see out the rest of his career as a semi-skilled model and talk show host.

Philosophy: Its better to burn out than to fade away.


Name: Sean McGrotty
Age: 24

Nickname: Burt Reynolds

Height: 5ft10”

Occupation: Spinal injury consultant

Town of birth: Garngad

Attributes: Has the ability to brainwash referees by using hard eye contact and rapid finger pointing.

History: This rugged man’s man learned his trade kicking the legs off snooker tables in his local billiards hall. He then took this attribute to the soccer fields, at the same time as shin guard sales were sky rocketing so was McGrooottys reputation as the Charles Bronson of Royston. A no- nonsense midfielder, McGroootty soon began bringing his own ambulance along to matches, at the time this was deemed a necessity. Legend has it that McGroootty kicked an Algerian mountain Gorilla to death inside 90 seconds while on an African Safari. Last seen kicking doors off abandoned cars.

Philosophy: If he dies, He dies


Name: Stuart Alexander
Age: 28

Nickname: The Moisturiser

Height: 5ft10”

Occupation: Clothes horse

Town of birth: London, New York, Paris

Attributes: His footwear can kick the eye out a spider and his 40 yard passes are Prada.

History: This dedicated follower of fashion first appeared on our screens in the 1980’s smash hit Miami Vice as a flamboyant body double for Don Johnson, but was soon sacked for stealing the entire wardrobe department (you can still see him sporting some of these items to this very day). Desperate for money, Zander did what every other struggling actor in L.A. did at the time. Scared that he might never be able to walk again, he got the first flight back to Glasgow. After several years of counselling he was finally able to bond with men again, so he joined the Blochairn Star as part of a rejuvenation program and happily he has been there ever since.

Philosophy: Get dressed for Success

Name Stevie King
Age: Classified

Nickname: King Rat

Height: Classified

Occupation: Classified

Town of birth: Sicily

Attributes: The ability to sing like a canary and good at pulling off subs.

History: Finished 3rd in the 1978 Eurovision song contest withthe self-righteous auto biographical power ballad ‘It’s Good to Be King’. Under scrutiny from the U.S. government regarding his involvement in the Gambino crime syndicate, King finally folded like a Blackpool deckchair and turned informant. After numerous and sometimes bizarre attempts at relocation, King eventually found a safe haven in the west of Scotland. Not content in taking Royston United Under 12s to joint 5th place in the Kilbarchan Miners Welfare League he took over the reins at Blochairn Star after a tyrannical bloody coup to overthrow T. Burns. King is currently on the witness protection program.

Philosophy: Fugedaboutit.

Name Gerry Hughes
Age: 25

Nickname: Jumbo

Height: 5ft10

Occupation: Mathematician

Town of birth: Greater Glasgow

Attributes : The uncanny ability to start fights with strangers, team mates, wife's of team mates, cousins, close friends, girlfriends , other peoples girlfriends, bus drivers, taxi drivers, airplane pilots, air hostesses, police, police horses, etc,etc,etc. But does a mean version of That’s Amore

History: This flame haired centre forward has scored 32,342 goals since returning from the injury he received whilst fighting with a tropical fish tank. Born with a natural talent for unprovoked violence, Ginger Gerry started to see the error of his ways, but unfortunately no one else did, so they all succumbed to his wrath. This lovable Ike Turner type figure has been kicking balls from an early age. Gerry has a trophy collection that is second to none and has also had numerous second prizes.

Philosophy: If they stand in my way, they deserve what they get.

Name: Martin Coyle

Age: 35

Nicknames: The Cat

Height: 6'9''

Occupation: Forklift Truck

Attributes: The animal attractions of this man include his hands like a baboon, his agility like a cat and his unnerving ability to bite like a fish

History: Due to his intolerance of growing old Martin would suck his thumbs, pinkies and other digits all through primary and secondary school leaving his hands swollen beyond repair. This affliction would become a debilitating factor throughout young Coyles early days and ten-pin bowling, paper rounds, pitch and toss and all the other solo activities of adolescent youth were not possible. Although clean sheets would be a positive feature in later life his frustration was intolerable.

His only means of income during his teens was as a forklift truck at Blochairn Fruit Market often lifting pallets of potatoes with one fool swoop of his massive hands. As fate would have it and at a time when he was at his lowest ebb he met Charlie, the ancient Columbian International Goalkeeper and world renown Scaffolder who soon put him to work. 28 caps for Columbia before marching to a different tune and joining the Star

Philosophy: I want to be forever young.


Name: Chris Kennedy
Age: 58

Nickname: Grandad

Height: 5ft 10"

Occupation: Fluorescent Green Beret

Town of birth: Chernobyl

Attributes: Chris can burn the skin off rivals using his own saliva, instantly sending fellow opponents into Quarantine for the remainder of the match.

History: With a face that has been kissed by the wind and caressed by the rain, Chris certainly looks a lot older than his 58 years. This is due to the fact that he was involved in a covert rescue mission in the grossly contaminated city of Chernobyl back in the blistering summer of 1986. Left stranded by his fellow Green Berets and deemed expendable, Chris made his way to Glasgow to seek revenge on the commanders that had betrayed him. After a harrowing blood bath with predictable results (18 dead), Chris found solace in the noble art of amateur football, a steely competitor, Chris has notched up over 200 appearances for the Blochairn Star, and is seen as a Shining light in Zoom Boots by his fellow team-mates.

Philosophy: You're all gonna look like me in 50 years.

Name: David Murray
Age: 23

Nicknames: Beastman, Lord of the flies, DR Doolittle

Height: 5ft 9”

Occupation: Dog Trainer

Town of birth: Stockholm

Attributes: The ability to groom, maintain and talk to animals

History: Left alone in the woods of Stockholm, young David was brought up by a pack of gorillas who took pity on the boy David and treated him as one of their own. After several years of living off bananas, apricots and animal excrement, it was time for David to enter human society. After training himself to read, write and speak words other than inaudible forest chants, David seen that there was value to the art of Beast bonding and was soon training a pack of Dobermans to perform an elaborate bank heist. The Doberman gang as they would fondly be remembered consisted of beasts by the name of Zoltan, Bobby, Terry and Wolfgang. Once the training was complete the job began, and it went smoothly, unfortunately these canny beasts kept the loot for themselves and used it to buy stakes in Winalot Prime. A distraught David soon sold his best friends (a pack of Vietnamese water rats) and made his way to Scotland. David is currently living with his lover Clyde-the fortune-telling Wooly Mammoth, they have one child (Leroy) the white elephant.

Philosophy: I thought every body did it.


Name Brian Mc Geachy
Age 48

Nicknames Geach, Maestro, Lard Ass

Height 5' 3''

Occupation Smoker

Attributes Although his ass would get stuck in a barn door he could still nutmeg a ladybird from 40 yards. A proper footballing genius the answer to the question on all the fans lips ……….he did indeed eat all the pies.

History Served his apprenticeship as a Referee in the Ayshire Juniors before fate would have it that he came across a young stowaway hidden in his lunch box on return home from a holiday to Porta Glesga. He decided to take this young Senor under his wing giving up his promising career as a Grade 1 and teaching his young apprentice the ways of the beautiful game. Played for Third Lanark and famously nutmegged Jim Baxter 14 times in one game. Plans to chuck it when he reaches 50 but has recently been prescribed similar medicine to his apprentice….the peppermint cigarette and you will often find Geach and Chong indulging in this pre-match ritual

Philosophy: If it burns smoke it